Resourceful-Mom

Let’s cut each other some slack

If you are a single mother, my guess is that you are coming to the conclusion that nothing’s perfect.  There are no perfect men or women and, you guessed it, your child’s father falls into one of those categories – smile. You can fuss, fight and threaten but it doesn’t do much in the way of making people – adults with the same rights you have – do what you want them to do. As a parent, you will soon be able to see things from your parent’s eyes.  All of the stupid things you felt your dad did and said, you may actually find yourself doing and saying to some degree.  Your mom, no matter how curt, may find herself looking back at you in the mirror.  “I’ll never be like my parents!”, you say?  Well, I’d warn you to take a little time to understand them before passing judgment.  Especially now that you are wearing the very same shoes that they did at one point.

When my father was alive, I thought he was so mean.  As a kid, I felt that he was too quick to fly off the handle when dealing with my mom and, as a result, I was afraid of him.  Later, after he’d passed and I was left to go through puberty with my mother, I remembered wishing I’d been on his side a little more.  After my father passed, I learned more about my mother and the woman she’d become.  She too had to pass before I understood her.

What I realized about my father was he was the sole provider for our household. Seeking to become an entrepreneur myself, I can appreciate him learning a trade, buying and maintaining a business and providing for his family.  Being much older than my mother, not unusual during those days, meant that he was doing all of this while his health was failing.  But, being he was the eldest  child  meant he was no stranger to hard work or responsibility.

My sisters and I were school age when my father passed.  This left my mother both a widow and the single mother of 4 young girls.  While married to my dad, she  was a homemaker so to say that she was ill prepared for this transition would be an understatement. She missed my dad tremendously and, I believe, mourned until she passed.  Nevertheless, she did whatever it took to maintain a stable environment for her family.

“Seek first to understand and then to be understood”, a famous quote by Stephen R. Covey, has more meaning to me now than when I first heard it. The father of your child is where he is based on what he’s gone through.  It’s not right and it’s not wrong, it just is.  But guess what?  The same goes for you.  You are where you are based on what you have gone through.  He has as much power to change his past as you do and, unfortunately, we are all being tugged a little more to the left or the right based on our past.

Being a single parent, although difficult, is nothing to be ashamed of.  Like my mom,  people find themselves in this exact spot by both choice and force. Wasting your time working to change the father of your child(ren) is simply a waste of your time.  If he is unable to be a father right now, it’s probably best for both you and your child.  Allow him to grow through whatever he’s got on his plate (he may not even be aware that he has a plate to grow through).  While he’s growing, concentrate on being the best mom you can be – a chore in and of itself , I promise.  The only difference between you and the father is, as you’re growing , your child gets to see it and judge it (sound familiar?)

There are many people in the very same place as you are so consider yourself in good company.  My mother was a single parent through no choice of her own, trust me.  My being a single parent was as a result of my deciding that the relationship wasn’t healthy for any parties involved so I chose to no longer pursue it.  You too may decide, for the most part, to go it alone.  And that’s fine.  Regardless of what the media says, being a single parent although not the easiest task isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you or your child.  Parents are not together for a multitude of reasons.  You aren’t broken simply because you are not in a relationship with the father.

My mother, as the wounds of losing her husband began to heal, offered a babysitting service to assist the working mothers in our neighborhood.  My sisters and I, once old enough, started working to help with the bills.  Our neighbors, knowing my family since we were kids, pitched in to help where ever they could and the men, knowing how particular my dad was about his yard, would cut the grass. Through all of this, we never called another man “daddy” and I never saw my mother with another man.  Without verbally complaining, she was always about the business of providing for and focusing on her spoiled, bratty, teenage girls.  If I could, I’d truly apologize.

Today, I no longer think it’s a bad thing to be like my parents.  I’ve learned hard work, tenacity and how to be positive in spite of.  I saw my mother, no matter how mean I thought my dad was to her, stick by his side when he was sick.  From that, I gathered we are all fighting our own little demons. She loved him through his demons and would have rathered spent her life with him and all his ways than without him.

Your child’s father isn’t perfect, he’ll never be. He won’t always call when he says he will and he won’t always do what he promised but if you just give him some room, he might surprise you.  The relationship that you had with him has to be considered separately from the relationship you hope one day he will have with his child. If you keep holding him to a standard that he is currently unable to fill, no matter how much he said he could, you could possibly hinder him from being a father to your child, eventually.

Cheer up, you get to fall short sometimes and, if your child lives with you, they will see your goof ups a little more than their father’s.  If you’re as lucky as I am, you’ll even get to see the same disappointment from your kids that you showed your parents .  Again, that’s ok.  We are destined to grow, learn and make some mistakes.  Life, children and love don’t come with instruction books (no matter how many are wrtitten).  Let’s give everyone the same room to grow that we will inevitably need.  With your child being with you, just think, now you have a captive audience.